HEALING FROM CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE

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Jane was a married woman in her 30's. She and husband Ted had three children, a beautiful home and seemingly all they could want. Ted was a good husband, and the children were happy, energetic and did well at school. However, under the cover of this seemingly model family there  were problems. Jane had a great deal of difficulty in accepting Ted's affectionate hugs and caresses. Whenever they had sex, Jane hated it and did all she could to avoid it. Deep within herself she felt worthless, insecure and guilty, and had trouble trusting Ted, even though she knew he was a good and faithful husband. 

Finally Jane and Ted knew they needed help, and  sought marital counseling through Ted's Employee Assistance Program. That is where the root problem was revealed. Jane had been sexually molested as a child by her stepfather. She was still carrying the pain and the many symptoms of a person who had not yet dealt with the abuse appropriately. Over the ensuing weeks of counseling, Jane learned to let go of her denial, and to talk truthfully about what had happened many years before. She learned to release pent-up anger, resolve her relationships with others and finally to forgive and take care of herself. In moving through this process of recovery, Jane and Ted were able to find healing and strength for their marriage. 

For many years the issue of childhood sexual abuse was a forbidden topic, something not discussed in the media or society as a whole. That is changing. Today Americans are becoming increasingly aware of life-long damage which can occur because of it, and are speaking out. We are beginning to see that it is a very serious problem in America. For example, The Los Angeles Times conducted a survey that found that an estimated 38 million American adults were sexually abused as children. Twenty seven percent of the women and sixteen percent of the men said they had been so mistreated. A 1982 study reported in the journal Child Abuse and Neglect indicated that one in every three women and one in every seven men is abused by the age of 18.   

Adults who experience childhood abuse often hide the fact.  Nevertheless, the unresolved pain comes out in other various ways.  Following are some of the symptoms found in adults who were abused as children: 

Damaged Self-Esteem and Self-Image:  feelings of worthlessness, guilt, helplessness and shame.  Inability to complete tasks.  tendency to be victimized by others.   

Relationship Problems:  Difficulty trusting others.  Lack of empathy.  Being uncomfortable with signs of physical affection – not wanting to be hugged or touched.  Difficulty with authority figures (who may remind victims of abusers).  Problems in communicating desires and receiving from others. 

Sexual Problems:  Lack of sexual desire for some, promiscuity for others.  Attraction to “forbidden” sexual activities, e.g., pornography or prostitution. Inability to enjoy sex. 

Emotional Problems: Mood swings. Intense anger or depression. Extreme fears or phobias. Sleep disturbances such as insomnia or nightmares. Addiction to food, alcohol or drugs. Flashbacks. Abusive behavior and/or self-destructive behavior. 

Physical Problems: Tendency to be accident prone. Somatic symptoms- i.e., real physical problems which are the result of stress or other psychological situations. Among them are migraine headaches, unexplained vaginal pain or infections, etc. 

Beverly Engel is a counselor who specializes in working with victims of childhood sexual abuse. In her book. The Right to Innocence: Healing the Trauma of Childhood Sexual Abuse, Ms. Engel lists seven steps in the recovery process. They are as follows: 

Face the Truth. To be free of the pain of past abuse, the first step is to admit what happened. This can be a difficult process, and the person going through the "remembering stage" can be flooded with a return of difficult emotions from the past. Yet this is a necessary process. Not only does it require facing the truth that the event(s) really happened and were not imagination. It also means accepting the truth about the perpetrator who is often someone very close in the family, and it can mean facing the truth about others in the family who may have ignored or denied what was happening. People who go through this "remembering state" often report emerging from it with a great sense of relief. 

Release Anger. The more a person faces the truth about childhood sexual abuse, the angrier he or she will become. The anger will be focused on the perpetrator, parents, the family and anyone who in any way contributed to the situation. The victim of childhood sexual abuse has a right to be angry. It is much better to let that anger out than it is to continue to internalize it. If anger is released in an honest, direct and constructive way, it will dissipate. Anger will do nothing to change what has happened, nor will it change the perpetrator. But it will change the person who has been holding it pent up inside himself or herself. 

Confront with Facts and Feelings. Once the victim of sexual abuse has released anger in a constructive way, it is much easier to confront the persons who caused the harm. This means confronting the perpetrator, members of the family who were directly or indirectly involved in denial or in letting the abuse occur. 

Resolve Relationships. By going through the preceding steps of recovery, the victim of abuse can look at relationships more objectively and determine which are healthy and which are not. Then a decision can be made on how to relate to those persons in the future. 

Self Care. The victim of abuse can learn to care for himself or herself by going through the preceding steps. This means saying an honest "Yes" or "No" to people and situations, and not letting others' desires dominate one's life. It means nurturing one's self respect and sense of self worth. 

Forgiveness. Victims of abuse are typically people with a great deal of guilt. For many years they have blamed themselves for what happened to them as children. The final step in the recovery process is to forgive themselves and know that there is no reason for guilt about what was done to them years before. They must also realize that if they, in turn, have abused their own children or others, they must make amends. 

If childhood sexual abuse is a concern to you. read The Right to Innocence by Beverly Engel (found at most book stores). Abuse can leave many scars, and it is a complex issue. But professional counseling is available to help guide the victim of abuse through the recovery process.  

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