STAGES OF A RELATIONSHIP

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Each of us knows what it is to “grow up”,  to move from infancy, childhood, adolescence, young adulthood, middle age and through old age.  We observe this process in ourselves and in others. 

What many of us do not realize is that the “growing up” process not only takes place in individuals.  It happens in relationships between men and women.  Knowing the stages in a relationship can be very helpful.  It enables us to better understand what is happening and to deal with our own personal relationships in a constructive way. 

Let us look at the typical stages in a marriage.  Not every couple moves through them at the same pace, but almost every marriage does move through one stage to another in a predictable way. 

THE HONEYMOON STAGE 

At the start of a relationship there is usually a good deal of romance and passion.  Both persons are on their very best behavior, and both try to minimize the other’s faults so as to perpetuate the romance and the feeling that their dreams have come true. 

Both partners have dreams and hopes about their futures together, and these dreams are based on the experience and observation of others.  There can be a good bit of fantasy involved in the hopes and dreams, particularly if one or both parties are very young. 

Many adults in our society formed role models for marriage as they were kids watching TV – The Bill Cosby Show, Family Ties or Father Knows Best.  In these TV families, members tend to hold to the same values and goals. They support each other emotionally and resolve conflicts within the 30 to 60 minute time span allotted for the weekly show. 

These idealized families may seem wonderful on the surface, but in reality they can promote an unrealistic outlook on real-life relationships.  It can actually be harmful to a marriage if one or both partners enter it feeling a need to keep the relationship relatively free of conflict the way the TV families do.  They might be suppressing their own feelings, needs and individual identity to keep harmony.  Inside, this suppression can lead to pent-up anger, hostility and resentment over “being used”. 

The Honeymoon Phase of marriage can last several months, or even years. 

THE REALITY PHASE 

The Reality Phase of marriage begins when the partners realize that many initial expectations of the relationship were unrealistic.  One or both spouses begin to challenge the expectations of the other.  This Reality Phase typically begins slowly and it gradually takes over, although a family crisis such as a job loss may bring it on fairly abruptly. 

One or both partners will find it difficult to continue overlooking differences in values, needs, priorities or lifestyles.  Differences can be very simple, such as disagreement over the way furniture is placed, or how much time should be spent together on weekends rather than in separate activities.  Partners must learn to give the other person some “space” and allow for differences.  This is not a weakness, but rather a healthy realization that the relationship is maturing.  No one spouse can meet all the needs of the other, and so when couples permit each other to have “space” and the opportunity to develop their own individuality, it can enhance the relationship. 

A second area of growth in the Reality Phase of a marriage is learning to cope with daily problems as the couple continues to strive toward goals.  Having a beautiful baby may be a dream shared by both husband and wife, but once that baby arrives there will be the reality of sleepless nights, meeting payments for medical bills, etc.  Instead  of blaming each other for normal problems of life, the husband and wife must now learn to face the reality that their shared dreams and goals require sacrifice and giving. 

THE WORKING THROUGH PHASE 

In the Working Through Phase, both partners must learn two essential things: 

During the Working Through Phase, partners in successful marriages review the goals and dreams they first had in the Honeymoon Stage.  They begin to define more realistic goals and expectations with which they can live, letting the relationship grow and mature, and mutual love and respect deepen. 

THE RESOLUTION STAGE 

In this stage of the relationship, partners willingly go ahead in implementing the changes upon which they have decided.  Communication is essential. There is a willingness to “open up” and discuss problems as they arise without blaming or criticizing.  It is also necessary to look inward for the source of problems rather than outward, recognizing that shortcomings seen in others are likely to be present in oneself also. 

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