PARENTING YOUR TEENS

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The teen age years are exciting and tumultuous as young people transition from childhood to adulthood.  It is a time of extreme sensitivity.  Teens are struggling for independence and autonomy,  of  knowing where and how they will fit in life.  Self identities are emerging, and peer pressure is intense. 

It has been said that the only thing more difficult than being a teenager is parenting one.  Parents must respond to dozens of adolescent issues – how much autonomy to grant, what kind of discipline is effective, how much “attitude” to take, and how to guide teens in adopting sound values and principles for life.  The period of adolescence requires parents who are creative, patient and courageous. 

Critical Areas in Parent-Teen Relationships

 Studies indicate that there are three major areas which are crucial to the parenting of teens.

Connection between Parent and Teen

 Adolescents who describe the relationship with their parents as being warm, loving, kind and consistent tend to flourish.  They are more likely to be self-confident, interact with others in positive ways and have fewer incidents of depression.   One of the most important factors in building positive relationships is spending quality time with adolescents and showing a genuine and heartfelt concern in what they do.  A father who sits at the dinner table each evening and with genuine interest asks about school or leisure activities shows he is concerned.  The mother who gets excited about helping her daughter find the right dress for the prom is also expressing love and support.   Successful parenting means Mom and Dad know the teen’s friends and invite them to the home.  They are present at events important to the youngster – ball games, camp-outs, open house, recitals, plays, etc.   They give positive feedback about the teen’s involvement in activities that foster emotional, physical and spiritual growth.

Monitoring and Guidance

When teens’ parents monitor friends and activities, and do so in a positive, loving and concerned way, the youngsters are less likely to get into trouble.  They not only know who the teen’s friends are by word of mouth.  They also know them in person as guests in the home.   Regular and positive interaction is crucial if discipline and monitoring are to be effective.  This can be made much easier when parents are involved in the teen’s leisure activities.  As  parent and child share a leisure interest together, discussions about values, friends, activities and morals tend to come up easily and can be discussed in a relaxed atmosphere. 

One of the most difficult aspects of monitoring a teen is the delicate balance between too much and too little.  It requires ongoing vigilance to stay abreast of what teens are doing and where they are, and strength to set firm limits.  It is important for parents to enforce consequences when a family rule is broken.   Although teens may vehemently protest rules as an affront to their independence, studies show that such rules provide a sense of stability.  If teens are invited by parents to help set family rules, and the standards are demanding but fair, discipline and parental monitoring becomes much easier.  It is by the authority of the family, not just the parents, that the rules were established. 

Psychological Autonomy

In the teen’s search for independence, there is an ongoing desire to interpret events and life in new ways.  Mom and Dad explained good and bad, right and wrong in earlier years.  But now the teen wants to find out on his or her own if all those meanings given to life were really valid.    

Too many parents focus on trying to control the way a child thinks, feeling this will translate into controlling what the child does.  Parents may use guilt, withdrawing love or invalidating the teens beliefs, hoping to ensure compliance.  When a teen perceives attempts at psychological control, relationships can be damaged.   The parent may think there has just been a healthy debate, but the teen, on the other hand, may feel crushed.    

Parents who encourage independent thought and expression in their children may find they are rearing kids with a healthy sense of self and an enhanced ability to resist peer pressure.  

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