CO-DEPENDENCY

Counseling
Services

WHAT IS CO-DEPENDENCY?

 The word “co-dependency” is becoming common in our society.  It is a term we see in magazine and newspaper articles.  Even authorities disagree on exactly what it means.  But there are some elements of consensus.  A co-dependent is a “people pleaser”, a person whose desires to help others springs more from a need to control than from a healthy and balanced generosity.

Co-dependency is a pattern of compulsive behavior based on the need to obtain approval from others.  Unlike the well-balanced person who is generous and giving for the sake of other people, the co-dependent tries to please primarily to bolster his/her own needs.  He accommodates to others to such a degree that personal feelings, desires and basic needs are discounted or ignored. Self-esteem is based on how well he or she takes care of or solves problems for others.   The effects of co-dependency are resentment, frustration and anger. These feelings often remain in the unconscious, then re-surface as anxiety.  In the long term, co-dependency can lead to stress, fatigue, burnout and serious illness.

 SOURCES OF CO-DEPENDENCY

 Most experts in the field of co-dependency believe that the pattern of behavior can be learned in any dysfunctional family.  It is found with a fair amount of frequency among children of alcoholics or drug abusers.  But many other dysfunctional family elements can contribute to it too – such as a critical parent who never seems pleased with a child’s efforts. 

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE CO-DEPENDENT PERSON

 On the surface, the co-dependent may appear to be a kind and generous individual, with traits praised in our society.  Casual observers do not see that the exterior “people pleasing” actions are not so much to help others as they are to bolster self-esteem.  Over time, the need to obtain approval from others can become an obsession.  In turn, this leads to other compulsive behaviors.  The co-dependent can become a workaholic, alcoholic, shopaholic, food or drug abuser or a compulsive gambler.  As he or she becomes estranged from personal needs and values, the co-dependent can often suffer from physical exhaustion, depression and hopelessness. 

Melody Beattie wrote a best selling book,  Codependent No more:  How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself.  Ms. Beattie presents four questions to ask in determining whether co-dependency is a problem.  They are: 

1 Have you become so absorbed in other people’s problems that you don’t have time to identify or solve your own? 

2 Do you care so deeply about others that you have forgotten how to take care of yourself? 

3 Do you need to control events and people around you because you feel everything around  and inside you is out of control? 

4 Do you feel responsible for so much because the people around you feel responsible for so little? 

DEALING WITH CO-DEPENDENCY 

Co-dependency and how to deal with it have been important topics among families of alcoholics and drug abusers for years.  Co-dependency is discussed and dealt with in chemical dependency treatment programs and in AA and Alanon meetings. 

However, it is now being recognized that co-dependency is far more common than previously thought.  It impacts persons not only from families of chemical abusers, but from other segments of society as well.  Experts feel that co-dependency may be prevalent because it is unwittingly encouraged by society, where it is mistaken for kindness and generosity. 

During the past two decades, a self-help support organization called “Co-Dependents Anonymous” (CODA) has become well known.  It is a program based on the 12-step recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous, but deals specifically with co-dependency.  Your local telephone directory can help you find a meeting in your area.   Many people with co-dependent problems  also find professional counseling of great value. 

 Articles