CHILDREN OF DIVORCE

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What was your answer? If you selected the last option you were right. All the above statistics about divorce are true.

Divorce is a painful experience for virtually everyone who has gone through it. The stress, emotional and financial toll on individuals can be enormous. However, the impact on the couple’s children can be even more traumatic.

Divorce affects children in major ways. It often means a move to a new home, neighborhood, a loss of childhood friends and support systems. The stress and conflict of the situation impacts adjustments at school and can affect children’s grades, studies and behavior. Many divorces are highly emotional. Children are drawn into the conflict between their parents, causing them their own internal turmoil, fear and sense of guilt. Some of the common things children of divorce often think are:

Judith Wallerstein, author of Stress, Coping and Development in Children, has outlined a series of tasks which are important for children’s adjustment to divorce:

Acknowledging the Break-Up of the Marriage. Children often have frightening fantasies about the divorce in their family. It is important for them to realize that the fears and fantasies are unlikely to occur. The love and concern of both parents for them helps diminish these worries.

Regaining a Sense of Direction and Freedom to Pursue Customary Activities. Despite worry about the crisis at home, children must be able to resume normal activities with pleasure and benefit from the support of peers and other adults from school and social groups.

Dealing with Loss and Feelings of Rejection. Children must deal with the grief of one parent’s total or partial departure from their lives. This can be facilitated by renewed attachment to both parents or to friends, teachers or extended family members.

Forgiving Both Parents. Children must be able to work through the intense anger they feel toward one or both parents as a result of the marriage break-up. This is helped by a growing understanding of the parents’ situation and developing a newly close relationship with one parent.

Accepting the Permanence of the Divorce. At the onset of the divorce, many children try to deny the reality of the marital rupture. It often takes time for them to accept that it is permanent. With help and support, they can come to enjoy the present and move on in their lives.

Resolving Issues of Relationships. Children of divorce can develop cynicism and anxiety about human relationships. Having seen conflict and anger between parents, they may feel that love, mutual respect and faithfulness are not possible. Here, they can look at role models of love and constancy among adults in the extended family or circle of friends.

Suggestions for Divorcing Parents

Dr. Jeannine Wade, Ph.D. provides the following recommendations for parents who are in the process of separating and divorcing These are practical tips and help parents deal with their children in ways which reduce the stress and anxiety youngsters are likely to feel.

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