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Anger Management
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It was a busy day at
Sue took Allan’s comment as a rebuff. Allan, however, had no idea that he had hurt Sue. He himself had been under exceptional stress. He was busy reading a proposal as he walked to Sue’s desk, and was preoccupied with its contents as he spoke. He merely meant to remind her of the high priority the report had. In his heart, he had nothing but the deepest regard for her work. Without realizing it, Allan’s body language mistakenly communicated to Sue a message of anger and displeasure. THE ELEMENTS OF COMMUNICATIONMost of us think that if we can hear and if we can talk we are able to communicate. That is not necessarily true, as was shown in the example of Sue and Allan. Anyone living in a family situation knows how easily words, emotions and attitudes can be misconstrued or misunderstood. Experts tell us that the words we say constitute only 3% of communication. The rest is made up of more subtle elements:
What we do NOT say often has as much impact as what we do say. When there is a conflict between our verbal message and our nonverbal body language, the nonverbal will dominate. COMMUNICATION STYLES OF MEN AND WOMEN
LISTEN WITH
EMPATHY -
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Let the other person know that you are genuinely interested in his or her point of view, and that you are open to learning from the interaction. |
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Eliminate distractions. When the other person speaks, put your book down, turn the TV off and focus on what is being said. |
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Do not interrupt. Allow the other person to complete his or her thought. |
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Maintain eye contact as the other person speaks. |
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Pull your chair closer and lean toward the speaker. |
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Keep your posture open – directly face your partner and leave legs and arms uncrossed. |
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Give verbal and nonverbal responses to what the speaker is saying – indicating that you are listening – “Yes, I see. . . “. Nod your head. Smile or frown. |
Effective communication is more than remaining silent as the other person talks. It requires active or reflective response. Communication is a two-way process, which means we give feedback.
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Acknowledge the other’s contributions to the conversation – “I see what you are saying . . . “ |
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Clarify ambiguities. If you are not sure of a point, ask: “Do you mean . . . ?” or “Sounds like you are saying . . . “ Briefly summarize the main points of the conversation as you understand them. |
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When you wish to initiate conversation with the other person, be sure he or she is available to speak with you. Ask, “Do you have time to talk with me?” |
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As you speak, define the issue of importance to you. Be direct. “Stick to the point” and avoid meandering to other topics. |
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State your intentions – tell what you want and your motivation for asking. |
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At the end of the conversation express your appreciation for the other person’s participation – “Thanks for talking with me about this.” |
Reciprocal attentive communication is vital for success in our personal relationships, marriages and in business.
A COMMUNICATION EXERCISE FOR COUPLESDecide on a minor disagreement which needs to be discussed. Each partner takes turns being speaker then listener. The speaker has 5 minutes to talk about the problem. He is direct and to-the-point. The speaker states what he wants, and his motivation for asking. He uses “I” statements to present his views and feelings, and does not place blame on the partner. The listener practices empathy. He tries to attune himself to the partner’s need throughout the other’s 5 minute presentation. At the end the listener summarizes what he has heard – without disagreeing, arguing or criticizing. He just repeats what he heard the partner say. Switch positions. The speaker becomes the listener, and the listener becomes the speaker.
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If you need help in improving your communication skills, call:
(562) 547-3927
Copyright 2001, HelpNet,
Inc
Reprinted with permission.
the
office. Sue was finishing a major report. At the same time she was
answering client inquiries about an upcoming project. Sue felt confident
she was handling her job well. Allan, Sue’s boss, then walked to her
desk. As he was staring at a sheaf of papers in his hands, he turned and
said rather abruptly, “Sue, don’t leave today without getting that report
on my desk.” Sue was stunned and hurt. She thought, “Why is he angry
with me? Doesn’t he see all the pressure I’m under? Doesn’t he trust me
to turn my job in on time?”