Anger is no stranger to any of us. It is the very
powerful emotion we feel when thwarted in our plans, when hurt or wronged by
someone or some event. At the root of anger is a sense of helplessness or
fear. We feel it when a friend or family member insults us. We feel it if we
have been robbed, lost a job or suffered some indignity.
Anger can vary in intensity from mild irritation to
intense rage and fury. Like other emotions, it produces biological changes
in the
body—an increase
in blood pressure, heart rate, levels of energy hormones, adrenalin, etc. It
can be triggered by an external event such as an insult from a co-worker or
being caught in a traffic jam. It can also arise from an internal source—for
example, worrying or brooding about events of the past.
EXPRESSION OF ANGER
When anger arises, people express it in different ways:
Aggressive Expression.
Anger is expressed overtly to hurt another, physically,
emotionally or psychologically. There may be shouting, hitting, kicking,
verbal put-downs, threats, violence, etc.
Passive
Aggressive Expression. Anger is
present, but it is repressed, internalized and even denied. Passive
aggressive anger is expressed by giving the offender a “cold shoulder”,
inwardly planning revenge, spreading rumors, making “cutting remarks” under
the guise of humor, or feeling depression. (Depression is anger turned
inwards.) If passive aggressive anger is “bottled up”, over time it can
explode into a highly aggressive act.
Assertive Expression.
This is the healthiest way to deal with anger. It is expressed openly, but
not in an aggressive way. To do this, you have to make clear what your needs
are and how to get them met, but without hurting others. An assertive person
is not a pushy or demanding person. Rather it is one who is respectful of
self and others.
DEALING WITH ANGER
Points to Remember.
First, nobody “makes” us angry. We have the power to choose the feelings we
have, and the power to decide what to do with those feelings. Second, there
is no such thing as bad anger or good anger. It is a matter again of making
choices — choices to harm, or choices to heal.
Strategies for Dealing with Anger.
If anger is a problem for you, here are some suggestions to help you
deal with it in an assertive rather than aggressive or passive-aggressive
way.
Identify Situations which Trigger
your Anger and plan how you will
react to them in the future.
Practice Relaxation Techniques.
When one of your “anger triggers” goes off, take three deep
breaths. Slowly repeat a calming word to yourself, such as “relax”.
Visualize a relaxing experience from your memory or imagination.
Change the Way You Think.
Angry people tend to curse, swear and express their inner thoughts in
exaggerated and overly dramatic ways. Replace this form of thinking with
more rational thoughts. Instead of telling yourself how terrible
everything is, say, “I’m frustrated, and there is a good reason for being
frustrated. However, it is not the end of the world. Getting angry over it
won’t fix it. It won’t make me feel any better either.” Remind yourself
that the world is not out to “get you”. You are just going through some of
the rough spots of life like everyone else. This type of thinking will
help you gain a better and more realistic perspective of situations.
Do Some Problem Solving.
Sometimes our anger and frustration arise from very real
problems—problems from which we cannot escape. It is a myth to think that
everything has a solution. Some problems do not. They will remain, and we
must learn to live with them and to deal with them in the best way we can.
When this happens, don’t run away, hide or deny. Make a plan for dealing
with the troublesome situation, and stick to it. Don’t punish yourself if
you fall now and then. When you face a problem “head-on”, you are less
likely to become impatient and angry.
Improve Your Communication Skills.
Angry people tend to be impulsive. They jump to and act on
conclusions which are often wild. If you find yourself in a heated
discussion, slow down. Do not say the first thing that comes to your head.
Rather think carefully about what you want to say. Listen to what the
other person is trying to communicate, and take your time before you
respond. Pay attention to underlying feelings and messages. For example,
suppose a wife complains to her husband that he spends too much time
watching TV football games. The husband’s first instinct is to become
angry and accuse his wife of trying to be a jailer and confine him. If the
husband takes his time and studies the situation, he can see that football
games are not the real issue. The wife is trying to say she needs more
attention and affection from him. Again, instead of becoming angry or
defensive, identify the underlying message. Keep cool, and respond to the
real issue.
Develop Your Sense of Humor.
Use humor in a constructive way—NOT to “laugh off” an
irritating situation nor to make the harsh, sarcastic remarks
characteristic of passive aggressive anger. Use humor to laugh at yourself
and diffuse the emotion. Angry people tend to feel they are morally
correct, and the rest of the world should do things their way. When you
start to feel indignant and that you are suffering unjustly, pull yourself
out of your “pity party”. Imagine yourself as king or queen of the
world—with crown and all. Picture yourself owning streets, buildings,
mountains, offices, people—striding along while all people and events
defer to you. The more detail you can add to your imaginary picture, the
more you will see how unreasonable you are, and how unimportant it is to
be angry over the situation.
If you find yourself calling others names, diffuse the
rage by using “silly humor”. For example, stop and picture what it would
look like if your co-worker were literally a “dirt bag”. Silly humor can
take the edge off of a tense situation
Change your Environment.
Sometimes our immediate surroundings give rise to anger. Give
yourself a break. Do this especially during times of the day when you feel
most stress. For example, a working mother may take 15 minutes after
coming home for quiet time alone. In this way, she is better prepared to
deal with husband, kids and family for the rest of the evening.
OTHER WAYS TO DEAL WITH ANGER
If you find yourself getting angry at specific times of
day or in specific situations, make an effort to avoid talking about
sensitive issues during those times or situations.
Sometimes you can diffuse anger by avoiding the things
which trigger it. If your child’s room is a perpetual mess and you become
enraged every time you look at it, shut the door so you stay calm.
Find alternatives to the things that make you
angry—e.g., a new route to work so you won’t be tempted to “road rage” .
